Trailer Breakdown: The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

The trailer for New Moon has set a record for the most number of views in it’s first week, with 10 million hits reported since the preview premiered last Monday.

It took us a few days to calm down enough to do this – here at trailbait we are movie lovers first, professionals never – but finally we’ve managed to lower the giddy down to a simmer long enough to present you with the New Moon trailer breakdown.

1. “It’s my birthday, can I ask for something?” There he is folks the ‘Sultan of Swoon’, Robert Pattinson. Hair cut, suit, he’s looking mighty dapper. We’re at Bella’s house, as the familiar red truck plays backdrop to a lover’s rendezvous.

2. “Kiss me” Notice the raised eye brow she gives him when she asks? Bella has obviously been watching Roger Moore as James Bond, followed by Orlando Bloom as Legolas in Lord of the Rings, and taking plenty of notes.

Here at trailbait, our vivid imaginations tend to run away with us, and right now we’re picturing the cold kiss of a vampire being akin to kissing someone who’s just come in from a freezing winter downpour.

When we say ’someone’, we definitely DO NOT mean Robert Pattinson… obviously… honestly!

3. “You’re my only reason to stay alive” Swoon! There are days when we think we’ll never hear someone utter those words in our direction, thank goodness we can just watch this trailer when ever we feel glum.

A Pattinson a day keeps the lonely at bay. Feel free to use that.

4. “Happy Birthday, Bella” The Cullen’s, ever the gracious undead hosts, have thrown Bella a shindig. Awww, they might have cold hearts, but they are a warmhearted bunch… if that makes sense.

5. “There’s cake too” Yeah, there is! Look at that thing. Damn, where were the vampire cake makers when trailbait last had a birthday? Reason Vampires Are Awesome Number 53 – Excellent Cake-Making Skills.

6. “Ow, Papercut” There are several things one should not try to do in front of vampires; gazing in the mirror longingly, eating garlic bread, whittling. We’re also pretty sure that bleeding is somewhere near the top of the list.

Tsk tsk Bella, you should know better.

7. Bloodlust Unfortunately, ol’ Jasper here is not running to get the first piece of cake, which would be totally understandable. He has a different dessert in mind; Bella Surprise.

The most recent convert to the Cullen’s non-human eating philosphoy, the smell of Bella’s sauce is too much for the poor chap to handle.

8. Not On My Watch! Swoon! Edward, ever the gentlemen, steps in and defends Bella’s right to bleed freely. In this shot though, it just looks like he’s having a bit of a chest grope.

The other Cullen’s seem too transfixed with cake to intervene. It is a damned fine cake.

9. Have a nice flight! Edward sends Jasper on his merry way, which should teach him to make a move on Eddie’s girl. Flying a good twenty feet through the air, Jasper lands on the family piano. Shame, he’s a right pianist.

10. Broody, broody, broody, broody! Swoon! He’s so intense. Notice Rosalie in the background, transfixed by the brood eminating from Edward. Women are rendered powerless in the face of his mighty grimace.

11. Brood and Broodier! Just when you thought there couldn’t possibly be any more brood – bam! Engines at Brood Factor 9. Either that or someone totally just cut the cheese. Bella, we’re looking at you.

12. “This is the last time you’ll ever see me” Okay, don’t worry we at trailbait promise that this isn’t the last time you’ll ever see Edward. Alright? Then we’ll continue.

After the Jasper incident, Edward fears for Bella’s safety if their relationship continues. So he kisses her on the forehead in the least condescending way possible, then leaves. Sniff.

13. Welcome to Splitsville, population YOU! We’re not sure that the middle of an epic forest is the right place to leave the woman you love, but it does convey the immense loneliness she feels quite perfectly.

On the plus side, imagine how awesome a game of hide and seek would be in those woods!

14. When all else fails, adopt the foetal position Although the foetal position is mighty handy when it comes to mending broken hearts (we cite examples such as ‘5 minutes ago’, and the upcoming ‘next Tuesday’), the forest floor probably isn’t prime foetal postion real estate.

Not just the icky rotting underbrush, but there is every chance of ending up with ants in your pants. That would most definitely be a ‘no bueno’ situation.

15. “How much could you mean to him, if he left you here, unprotected” Laurent is back, which is good news for fans of Laurent, and bad news for Bella. He gets all up in Bella’s business and prepares to attack. He probably shouldn’t have done that.

16. Which way to the gun show? Taylor Lautner apparently lived at the gym for a year in a desperate attempt to keep the part of Jacob, with sexy results. Ever the advocates of drug free bodybuilding, we’re hoping that Taylor opted to stay clear of the ‘roids in his quest. The only juice we endorse is of the delicious cranberry variety.

Stay in school, kids.

17. Oh, Shit We know that look. That’s that ‘damn, I didn’t see that coming’ look. That’s that, ‘aw Hell, no’ look. That’s that ‘this can’t end well’ look. We get that whenever something happens that we just did not expect. Like Laurent here.

What is it he didn’t expect?

18. “Jake run!” Yeah he’s running… right at Laurent! What a bad-ass! Plus he’s totally ripped. Edward who?

Also, in this shot you can clearly see that Bella is wearing pink underwear. Just in case you were wondering. Not that we were. But now that we know.

19. More than meets the eye Jacob does the kind of leap Michael Jordan would be proud of. For those of you who don’t know who Michael Jordan is, Jacob does the kind of leap that Kobe/LeBron would be proud of… and starts to change…

20. Teenwolf … into a wolf! Laurent just did a sizeable mess in his fancy pants, which is what happens every time we see someone change it to a wolf. (It happens more than you’d think).

Plus, you can clearly see the shreds of what was Jacob’s gym gear. Does that mean when he de-wolfs, he gonna be all naked? Just wondering…

21. Jacob, The Protector And so the mantle of Bella’s guardian is usurped by totally jacked native american teen wolf and part time cutie Jacob, in all his wolf glory. Not really sure what all the fuss is about regarding the quality of the CGI, which for a trailer is more than adequate.

By the time the film comes out the CGI people will have had plenty of time to do their thing, and we’re sure it’ll be as awesome as the Armoured Polar Bears in The Golden Compass.

22. What’s it called again? In case you were one of the three people unaware of the title, here it is all shiny and such.

23. When does the swooning begin? Except of course, in the UK, when it is released on the 27th November! Cruel fate!

24. Promised you! We said that wouldn’t be the last time you saw Edward, and here at trailbait, we’ll never let you down. Swoon!

So there you have it. It you haven’t seen the trailer, or just want to ride that rollercoaster again, you can click here.

The rest of you; Excited for New Moon? Thoughts on the trailer? Enjoy the breakdown? Leave us a comment!

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